Math and I are not friends, especially today.
Math and I have haven't been friends for a long time. I used to be good at it in elementary school when it was simple multiplication, division, and fractions. However, things took a turn in middle school. By grade 11, I failed in physics and also had to transfer from the regular gr. 11 math to the "easy" math class which I also struggled in. Math has since been one of my biggest fears. It makes me feel dumb and it takes me a ridiculous number of hours to understand simple questions. It makes me feel incapable of understanding something that is understood by many of my peers.
I'm sitting here in the library rn and I see all these people around me practicing coding, doing calculus and vectors, going through their bio-chemistry textbook while I'm reading Romeo and Juliet for my english lexture. How the hell is Romeo and Juliet going to help me in the future in comparison to these people?
The future is tech. driven, right? At least that's what I hear. Even in my poli sci class essentially we're learning about the importance of data collection in politics and the relevance of statistics and economics in decision making. Politics has become math, everything has. Every job practically requires knowledge in computer science, which I actually took last semester and barely passed. I hated it. Whenever I try to do math it gets me in this loop hole of dark thoughts where I feel trapped and can't escape unless I figure out how to do the problem. The thing is it takes a lot time for me to how to solve a single problem and I don't always figure it out. When i figure it out i'm equally relieved as I am happy to have finished it. Sometimes I just can't figure out some things. When I voluntarily put myself in these situations it's because math a "necessity" to find any job. It absolutely sucks.
...
Dear math
Dear math,
who will be the smartest of them all?
one big competition
school a place for the future
zoned in tomorrow, why can't it be about today
foiled in codes
grey hair even though I'm not old
feelings in numbers,
words missing doors and loosing colour
Dear math,
I just want to be accepted by you so bad
but isn't that's what's messed up?
I don't even know what "better" means, it holds no context
a dry slice of bread
empty figures in crowded halls
filled desks, heads hunched low
as if trying to curl under the table
refills of instant coffee,
the musty green carpet of the library
dying florescent lights,
another cold walk out after staying late to finish another assignment
just to see who can make it out alive
